We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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