about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
