im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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