I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize