it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
