Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
