In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
