I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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