mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
