My Higher Power is John Stamos
the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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