just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
