Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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