i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
