In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
