I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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