god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
