A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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