The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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