we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
