Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
