Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
