Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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