ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
