I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
