im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
