Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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