there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
