Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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