He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
