im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize