It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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