I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If I die, sorry about rent.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
