Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
