Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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