My cat gives me a boner
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
