this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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