everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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