I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
