im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Mom said you looked used
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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