Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
