Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
