Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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