Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
