What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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