Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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