GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, beer. Big fan.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize