Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
