you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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