I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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