I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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