I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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