You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
