i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
