Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
where are my eyebrows?
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