OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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