My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
