I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
