I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize