I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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