I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
