even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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